Around a week ago we brought my mother out for her first visit to the house. It was a big occasion for us, and for her. Charles and the girls went into town to get her, while I frantically cooked and set the table and tried to make all the unpacked boxes and undone projects miraculously shrink. That didn't work.
I picked a few recipes from my favorite cookbook, Bistro Cooking by Patricia Wells. I love this cookbook. I chose the chicken bouillabaisse with fennel, a nice yummy stew that would be easy for my mother to eat. The only problem was that when I was looking for the last few ingredients the day before, I found out that the grocery store in our town does not carry fennel, nor does the liquor store stock Ricard, and anise-flavored liquor that was key to marinating the chicken overnight. Oh well. Let's just change the recipe! Do it exactly the same but change a few things - no fennel, no Ricard, how about carrots and Belgian beer instead? No problem. I also made tarte tatin aux poires, a family favorite dessert that involves nearly two sticks of butter, pears caramelized in sugar, and a homemade crust.
The first thing my mother said, when they pulled into the driveway a little before noon, was "I wasn't expecting this. You have a lot of work, a lot of work." She had that mother-disapproval expression winding up her face. "Hi, Mom!" was all I said. The first 45 minutes were rough, as they always are when my mother arrives in a place she's never been to (except a doctor's office). When she is out of her comfort zone, which is nearly everywhere except her apartment, she retreats into herself, gets very grouchy and negative, and is no fun to be around. And this was way out of her comfort zone. And I can understand some of her difficulty: She is in a wheelchair, and she had to use her cane to get up a few steps to the path to the veranda door. We managed that, which was a little difficult because of the overgrown grass. Once on the path the girls were shouting 'Grandma! Grandma! Look at us!" They were on their rope swing, happy as clams....and Grandma couldn't even look their way, she was so consumed with herself, and needing to get inside and go to the bathroom. As we were getting inside, she said, "I'll never do this again." She always says that, it's very hard to hear, but I know it will pass. It was too bad she couldn't enjoy the girls swinging for a little while.
My sister Kathy and her husband also came for lunch, which turned out to be delish. We ate out on the back patio. That was also quite a change for my mother. She is never outside! She doesn't go out on the patios where she lives. She won't let you just take her for a stroll outside in the wheelchair. Anyway, we had a nice lunch, but my mom was pretty quiet and negative the whole time. She didn't seem to like the chicken but loved the tarte tatin. But of course there was no enthusiasm. Then she wanted to escape, back to the inside of the house, where we sat in the living room and I mended the little pillow she likes to rest her right arm on. A little while later she told me she wanted to go back, she was very tired, and she looked it. So we had a nice talk as I drove her back to her assisted living, about 30 minutes away door to door. She was very enthusiastic about us stopping at Walgreen's on the way back for a few supplies she needed, more animated than she had been the whole time at our house.
Even after five and a half years, I still find it such a challenge and extremely exhausting interacting with someone who has brain damage. Later that night, in the middle of the night, I woke up with a horrible rash on my face, and a swollen face, and very high blood pressure...now that I look back, I think it was due to the stress. The stress of preparing for a visit, which everyone feels from time to time, but also the stress of trying to please and do something nice for someone - someone who is not the person you expect them to be, each and every time.
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